


Resolution

by bri_ness



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Career Change, Future Fic, Getting Back Together, I mean getting back together ISH it's ambiguous but interpret as you will, M/M, New Years, Post-Break Up, also projecting A LOT onto isak here oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 04:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17217137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bri_ness/pseuds/bri_ness
Summary: Isak's residency has him questioning his decision to be a doctor. When he's home for the holidays, he runs into Even, who gives him a new perspective.





	Resolution

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the "future fic" prompt in the Evakteket Skamenger Hunt. Disclaimers: this has a lot of self-projection! this might not be how a med school residency works in Norway! But maybe you'll enjoy in spite of all that. :) 
> 
> Thanks to Rino for the title. I was very close to calling this fic "Uhh."

“So, tell me everything! How’s your residency going? Are you seeing anyone? Your Instagram is shit to stalk, Isak. I should not have to sort through memes that were funny two years ago to find your life updates.”

Isak smiles at Eva over his wine, then recites the script he wrote on the train ride. “Ah you know, it’s really busy, really stressful. Not much time to date. But it’s good, I like the people I’m working with and I’m getting a lot of experience.”

“Ok, but you’re having fun too, right? You go out? With people?”

“I’m out with you, aren’t I?”

In one of the many twists of Isak’s life, Eva’s the only friend he’s kept from high school, though not through his own actions. She’s the one who texts him every couple of months just to check in, who not only suggests they meet up but actually names a time and place whenever he’s home. Maintaining friendships is her superpower: he frequently sees her with Noora, Vilde, Chris, and Sana on Instagram, though never with more than two of them at once.

Isak doesn’t even talk to Jonas anymore. He only remembers to regret that when he’s home.

Eva rolls her eyes. “You know that doesn’t count.”

“I’m fine, Eva. I have friends.”

That, actually, is true. Med school is war, and Isak’s bonded to the classmates who fought alongside of him. But just thinking of that puts a pit in a stomach because fuck, he’s going to lose them too, won’t he? Soldiers don’t think highly of the person who quits once open fire begins. Neither does Isak, really.

He can’t keep thinking about this.

“What about you?” Isak asks. “You’re still with the city?”

“Oh yeah, but I’ve transferred to a communications role.” By Isak’s count, that’s Eva’s third transfer in as many years. “It’s good, pay raise, work’s more interesting…occasionally I get called a ‘fucking bitch’ or something more creative on Twitter when someone gets a parking ticket, but that’s part of the deal.”

Isak frowns. “I’m sorry.”

Eva shrugs. “It’s whatever. It’s not like it’s really about me.”

That’s what Isak can’t separate.

As a hypothetical, medicine is the perfect field for him. Understanding how bodies work and how to fix them when they’re broken is both practical and compassionate, two traits Isak understands himself to have. And he did fine throughout med school, even excelled at times. He’s fucking smart.

But now he’s at a hospital where those bodies belong to people, people with stories, people who are sick, people who die. When Isak does everything right, he feels responsible when it’s not enough. When he does nothing at all, merely observes the attending physician, he regrets that he’s not experienced enough to really help. When he makes any kind of mistake, he never stops thinking about it—even now, in this moment with Eva, they’re playing on a loop in the back of his brain, the song that never fucking ends.

He worries about his patients, that something he’s done has made something worse for them, and he’s incredibly frustrated that he can’t always know that. He wishes it were appropriate to call them right now, to check in: _please, please still be ok_.

It’s brought his insomnia back. It’s kind of killing him.

“Anyway, it’s just for now,” Eva says. It's her mantra when she starts a new position. “If I get tired of getting death threats, I can always try something else.”

Isak had always judged Eva for not knowing who she was or what she wanted, but now he envies her. She has flexibility, no expectation to stay in a certain career or live a specific life. Isak went to med school, as everyone expected him to, and now he doesn’t want to be a doctor. What else could he even do?

But just the thought of going back after his brief vacation sends Isak into a bit of a panic, makes him dizzy and short of breath. He doesn’t know if he can do it. He’s never not been able to do something. 

Isak thinks of Even, as he often does this time of year—their anniversary of sorts, though they always bickered about the exact date. How frustrated he got when Even quit film school, gave up on whatever project he was working on, that he’d never fucking commit to anything. It’s not why they broke up because there was no why: it was a culmination of things that led to them growing apart, and that was just one of the things. But fuck, if Isak doesn’t feel like a hypocrite now.

Isak steers his conversation with Eva in another direction: their families. It’s somehow become a more comfortable conversation than his career, but he did have a nice Christmas with his parents and sister. He was just so relieved not to be at work.

“What about New Year’s?” Eva asks. “Any plans?”

“I’ll be with my family on New Year’s Day, but they keep saying they know I’ll be busy New Year’s Eve. I don’t know why they assume I still have friends in Oslo.”

“Hey, you do,” Eva says, lifting her glass. Isak clinks his own against it. “You’re welcome to come to my party, but it’s mostly going to be work friends. Vilde might swing by.”

More polite than he was at seventeen, Isak says, “Thanks, I’ll let you know,” instead of saying that’s not really a selling point.

On the tram ride back to his parents’, Isak decides it’s best if he’s alone in New Year’s Eve anyway. He does not want to pretend the past year hasn’t been shit as everyone reflects. He does not want to make bullshit resolutions when he knows next year will be even worse. He wants to stay suspended in this moment in time, where he’s on a tram with no responsibility to himself or anyone else.

“Mind if I sit?”

When Isak sees Even, he’s glad time progressed without his permission.

“No, no, of course not,” Isak says, shock making him a bit flustered. “Holy shit. _Hi_.”

Even smiles as he sits down beside him, and it’s the first time since Isak arrived in Oslo that he truly feels like he’s home. “Hi, Isak."

"It's been--"

“Two years.”

“I know. Shit.” And then, despite all the moments in the past two years where Isak’s wanted to tell Even something, he has absolutely nothing to say. “Home for the holidays?”

“Yeah. You too?”

“Yeah."

"Awesome conversation.”

Isak laughs, though he feels a bit sad about it. It shouldn’t feel the way it did before he knew Even. He’s supposed to know Even completely. “I was just with Eva, actually,” Isak says. “We had wine, talked.”

“ _You_ had wine?”

“I’ve acquired the taste for it, I guess.”

“Mm, classy now that you’re a doctor.”

Isak remembers reality and everything just hits him, that he will not be on this tram forever, that he is not with Even, that he is going to be a doctor and it is going to kill him. And anyone but Even wouldn’t notice the way Isak quickly closes his eyes, the hand he rubs across them, the quick shake of his head, but this is Even, so of course he notices.

“Hey,” he says, gentle enough to break Isak’s heart all over again. “You ok?”

“Yeah, fuck. It’s just the holidays.”

“My stop’s coming up,” Even says, as though Isak doesn’t remember. “And my family will have a lot of questions if I have you over tonight, but what are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we can meet? Talk about ‘the holidays’ or whatever’s actually going on?”

“Is that a good idea?”

“Definitely not, but my last interaction with you can’t be leaving you crying on the tram.”

“As long as it’s all about you.”

“Of course.”

Isak smiles. “We could get coffee tomorrow?”

“Let’s get coffee tomorrow.”

\---

When tomorrow comes, Isak checks Instagram and sees the quote _Happy Holidays! Don’t text your ex!_ posted by Eva.

It says nothing about inadvertently running into your ex on the tram then getting coffee with them, so Isak figures he’s in the clear.

Even’s already at the café when Isak arrives, which surprises him. It doesn’t surprise him that he already ordered Isak a coffee with sugar and cream, but he doesn’t know how to tell Even that he drinks it black now.

“I meant to tell you yesterday,” Isak says as he sits down. “That you look really good.”

He’s not lying or even flirting: it’s just true. He looks awake, bright, alive and maybe even happy, which comforts Isak more than he knows it should.  

“Thank you,” Even says. “You look like shit.”

Isak laughs, startled. “I guess you’re not trying to win me back.”

“No, you’re still hot,” Even says with a grin. “ _Always_ hot, but you look tired, Isak.”

“Yeah, it’s just the residency.”

“How’s it going?”

“You know, busy, stressful. But I’m at a good hospital, and I’m learning a lot.”

“Good to know you’re still a shit liar.”

Isak could keep up the act, could argue, could remind Even that they haven’t talked in two years, he takes his coffee black now, and maybe he doesn’t fucking know him at all. And he considers doing all of that, he’s about to, but Even speaks first.

“I always worried,” Even says, then pauses. “Not that I didn’t believe in you, I always did, but I thought the emotional tax of being a doctor would be hard on you. It would be hard on anyone, but you’ve always carried so much responsibility, Isak. It’s why we….”

Even trails off, and Isak’s a bit annoyed. “Don’t put our break-up on me.”

“No, I’m not. It was a lot of things, but I know it was hard for you not to blame yourself when I got bad. And that made me feel like shit, so. Vicious cycle.”

“And if you thought that,” Isak continues, annoyed at himself now for getting angry, but fuck it, he _is._ He doesn’t want to be in this fucking place. “Why didn’t you tell me that? Because now I’m stuck.”

“Stuck?” Even repeats.

“I can’t go to med school and not see this through.”

“Bullshit. You can do anything you want, Isak. Google alternative careers for people who went to med school, I’m sure you’ll find something. Maybe you’ll have to go back to school, but who cares? You love school.”

“Yeah, but I failed. I’m supposed to be a doctor.”

“If that is still what you really want, you can do it, but I think you’ll need therapy and some strategies to deal with all the shit. You could consider therapy anyway.”

Isak’s rolled his eyes when Even’s suggested therapy in the past. He doesn’t this time.

“But Isak,” Even continues. “You haven’t failed at anything. It’s ok if this isn’t for you. Most people don’t ever really know what they want to do.”

Isak was never _most people_ , he was supposed to be better than that, but it’s a relief to feel like he has permission to quit. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Who says you have to figure it out today? Think about it. Go to therapy. Talk to me.” Isak’s eyebrows raise at the potential of them talking again. “Maybe you’ll make a decision and change your mind again. I’ve done it a few times.”

“What are you doing now?” Isak asks, suddenly feeling selfish he’s made this all about him.

“I’m a line cook.”

“What the fuck?” Isak says, laughing a little. “Don’t you have to be like, precise and shit?”

“That is the technical term for it, precise and shit.”

“I just mean, I know you like to cook, but it’s not really creative.”

“Turns out, that’s not what I need at work,” Even says. “I like having something where I have to focus, get the details right. It gives me energy to work on screenplays and stuff at home. And I do like to cook, so it’s actually been really good.”

“Fuck,” Isak says. “I never would’ve predicted that.”

“That’s what I’m saying, Isak. The dream jobs we have as kids aren’t always right for us, and that’s fine. It’s just what you do. It’s not who you are.”

Isak has not really considered who he is since he’s been with Even. He’s just studied and worked. Maybe the new year is a chance to shift his priorities back to himself.

And maybe he doesn’t need to wait for an arbitrary new year to start.

“Are you with your family on New Year’s Eve?” Isak asks.

“They know I might go out,” Even says. “Why?”

“Do you want to go to Eva’s party with me?”

“Is that a good idea?” Even says with it a teasing grin that looks sweet as ever.

Isak rolls his eyes. “Maybe it’s not, but talking to you is the best I’ve felt in months. I’d like to do it some more.”

Even considers him, and Isak’s nervous he’ll get rejected until Even says, “Thought you might just want someone to kiss at midnight.”

Isak grins. “We’ll see how the night goes.”

And that is his promise to himself, to take things one minute at a time like his younger self was better at. He may or may not get back together with Even. He may or may not be a doctor. He may or may not try therapy.

He will be ok, though. Here with Even, he believes that again.


End file.
